my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
