Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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