I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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