The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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