In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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