I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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