i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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