he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
