I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
