anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
