Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
