i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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