Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
