@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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