She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
