On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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