If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
