I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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