My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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