Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
