If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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