I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
