cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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