I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
