the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
