insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
