Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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