i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
