His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
