I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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