I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
