Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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