i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
