i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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