You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Randomize
