I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
