thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
this will be a night to untag.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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