Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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