Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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