If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
