I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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