I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
