I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
