I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
