my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
