girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
