i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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