just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
