Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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