she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
