People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
