I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
