Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
